I Forgive You.
Wow. It has been a minute since I've written a blog post. Well, unfortunately this post is not nutrition related. I just needed a place that had more space that what my daily journal could give me. Buckle up, you're in for a ride.
On Wednesday my paternal donar passed away. Some may call them fathers but, I wouldn't classify mine as that. This is a man that I stopped seeing when I was 12. Once when I was 16 at his mother's funeral and then again at his father's funeral. And then for the last time when he walked into the bar that I worked at in college and didn't recognize who I was when I was 21-22.
I had suggested to my brother who is having a harder time with his passing, that he write a letter and tell him his unfinished business he had with him. Then, the letter would be cremated with his remains. My mom suggested that I do the same. And I've thought about it. Really, I have. But, if I'm being honest, I don't think I have anything to say to him. If he was interested in what I had to say, he would have tried a little harder to listen back when it mattered. Back when I needed him the most.
I've told a few people that have extended condolences that they are unnecessary. How do you grieve for someone who you don't even know? I've cut ties with this person a long time ago. And honestly, at this point in my life, I forgive him. It's hard to understand as a kid why adults make the decisions they do. Well, I'm about to be 30 in a couple weeks and I've learned how hard some of these life decisions can be. So, I forgive you. For whatever reasons you had to miss literally more than 1/2 of my life. My first boyfriend, my first breakup, taking me to practice, being a cheerleader at my games, a protector and arm to cry on when I was being sexually abused, both graduations, 18 years of birthdays and holidays, when I got my first job, and then left that same job to be an entrepreneur. Whatever the reasons are, I forgive you.
Because of those reasons, I am the person I am today. Im so fucking hard working. I mean it's hard for me to focus on one thing so, I generally cant put all my energy into that one thing. It's a work in progress for sure. And I'm like jack of all trades kind of lady. But, I'm living a life I didn't think was possible. I create my own schedule and make time for things I love doing. I also am taking real good care of myself. At least I think so. And doing the hard shit. Seeing a therapist, prioritizing me and my wants and needs over everyone and everything. Eating like I give a damn about myself (we were away for awhile but we're back). And I feel so mentally clear for the first time in a really long time. So, no I don't really have a lot to say to you. I'm proud of the person I've become without you.
I'm sorry those decisions were hard. I understand. And I wholeheartedly forgive you.